Do you ever feel like the gods/the universe/fate or whatever is trying to force your hand?
I think that's me at the moment and I am more than a little reluctant to do what it seems to be pushing me towards. I just don't know if I'm strong enough. It's so hard because half of me is trying to listen to my heart and the other half of me is trying to listen to my head. Surprise, surprise, they are both heading in different directions and there really is no middle ground. I think this is the cause for all my current problems right now and I can't figure out where I stand in all this.
Another huge part of me has been trying to use every avoidance tactic I know to escape the issue, something I know better than to do but at least now I'm coming to understand why I've been doing it. This is a relatively new revelation, or rather the fact I'm accepting it is. I'm scared, plain and simple, just scared because whatever I choose to do will have big repurcussions in more than just my life and whichever path I decide on it's going to be hard and very different. I suppose you could say I'm at one of those life crossroads, things just won't be the same again and I wish I didn't have to choose what to do.
I know this isn't going to be making any sense because I haven't been blogging about the problems I've been having (and I probably won't any time soon - let's just say it's complicated), but for my own sanity I just had to get my thoughts out there. Hopefully this weekend will afford me some time to do some thorough soul searching and come to some sort of decision, I think for my own peace of mind I'm going to have to find a conclusion and soon as every day more and more things keep coming up, constant reminders of the need to move forward, stern proddings that I've had enough time to just deliberate and clutch at straws. Beth is going away to stay at my mum and dad's for a few days and though I'll have the baby still here it will give me a lot of free time to really tackle the situation. Avoidance is no longer an option.