Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Not Dead Yet...

So it's been fairly hectic here with the end of the school year and the start of the summer holidays. I've been writing like crazy and attempting to get some art done, though a lot of it has taken to the back burner so to speak.

The wheel has been turning and I've picked up a summer cold :( I hadn't been sleeping to well as subconsciously I've had a lot on my mind... things that I wish I could rant about here but, being that this blog is so open and available to people I know I cannot bring myself to share them. And so life has continued and despite my lack of blogging presence I am able to reassure that I am still here and very much alive and kicking.

I have been quite reflective over the past couple of weeks as cycles have come to an end and others have begun all around me. It has been a time of learning for me, of dashing the false visions I have had of some people and making me see them for who they are. I realised that when an argument ensues between yourself and someone you love dearly; a boyfriend/girlfriend, relation or friend, particularly for the first time you learn something about yourself as well as seeing that the person in question isn't as perfect and without fault as you had previously thought. It is a good thing, of course, to get rid of such notions and see the truth but still, it hurts.

Then I come to this week and a strange melancholy sets in. I feel rather sad today as I think I hurt someone unintentionally last night. A new friend who I was joking around with online while we were playing WoW. It reminded me why I prefer it when people I meet in online games don't know I am a woman, as I find myself being faced with a situation where I'm being chatted up and I have to lay down some boundaries and make it known I'm not interested in that way. I'm a naturally flirty person, perhaps that is one of my biggest faults with people I don't know, though others in our guild are just like that too and don't seem to be running the same issues... Then suddenly their manner changes with me... I can feel it from them when they type and I sigh, knowing that I have just ruined another budding friendship. They make a point of pointing out that I didn't say I had a boyfriend... wtf? First of all it's none of your business... second of all it's no secret, I've not hidden it and have in fact made it clear in our guild before now that I am with someone... and third of all you didn't ask! But was it truly me that did that.,.. that ruined things? Is it my fault that he wanted something that I wasn't willing to enter into? I think not, and yet I still feel guilty for causing him pain. I know, I know... I'm stupid and too soft. Maybe I should just put a stop to my attempts at socializing with new people online... *sigh*

I don't know, people in general confuse me something rotten sometimes. They show love with hate, they assume friendship has to lead somewhere else, they hurt for the sake of being spiteful and gaining points and they run away when things turn around and bite them on the ass.

As you can see I'm in a weird old mood today... I think I need to ground myself and stop thinking about others for today... get a little housework done (or a lot considering the state of my house right now) and look forward to the weekend when I go to my man's house for a child free few days to recharge my flagging batteries.

5 comments:

  1. people can be so rude, why can't they just be friendly! Why does something have to lead somewhere else?
    Hope you have a fun few days at your mans place hun xxx Reflect and recharge is in order me thinks xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never had that issue when I played WoW, but I was in a Guild with some of my offline friends and the folks they'd been playing with since well before I started, so everyone already knew that a) I was female and b) I was not interested.

    In any event, it's not your fault that someone assumed something they had no right to assume. Not everyone who plays games online is single or interested in getting into an online relationship and there's no reason you should have to state that as soon as you begin to make friends with someone in game. So, no more guilt, okay?

    Clean, destress and have a fantastic few kid free days with the man and recharge. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was in a funk earlier this week myself! The esbat did me a lot of good and now I feel much better. I hope you're doing okay!

    ReplyDelete
  4. UGH my sympathies. We play wow as well, and like you, I'm somewhat flirty but not in a teasing manner! I've never had anyone 'misunderstand' the situation though, luckily. I don't think it's your fault at all.. I'm that way across the board (which really makes other female gamers crack up lol) but nobody has the right to assume anything.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks guys... I'm feeling much better about it all now that I have had time to deal with it and move on. It always just takes me a while to digest things, particularly when I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I am to blame or at fault. Your supportive comments have been most welcome and I thank you all deeply for that :)

    @Jon - glad you're feeling better too... The waxing moon this month has been an odd one all right. It seems to have been a time of growth of bad feeling and thoughts for me but with the full moon I can feel it turn around. Hopefully the waning moon will help rid it once and for all. I am certainly feeling better so far :)

    ReplyDelete