A fair while ago my oracle cards told me I was approaching a big test in my life, a time of learning and growth to prepare me and test me for the next approaching phase. As often is the case I wondered what this could possibly mean, what kind of test I would be facing, indeed whether or not I would even recognise it when it came. My presence here in my blog has been low, my online presence generally has been too. I stopped creating art and got swept up in something that appealed to me greatly but also taught me so, so much. Last week it came to an end, both to my upset and my relief and now that the worst is past I feel able to look upon the past few months more objectively.
I have been forced to look and search deep within myself to find things that I lost a long time ago, things that I had forgotten and pushed aside, and made to relearn them. So what are these revelations that I have learnt this last little while in my reflective absence?
I have learnt and accepted that I am a beautiful person inside and out, who is wanted, cherished and loved by many, even at the times I feel most alone and un-loveable. I have learnt that I need to love and cherish myself more on all levels and stop being so self critical. I have learnt that fear is a waste of time and energy and while I may feel it I must not let it control me. I have learnt that love is the most powerful and precious thing in the world and even those experiences of it that don't end well enrich us. I have learnt that the guilt I allow myself to carry is ridiculous, particularly when it relates to other people and how they feel. Most importantly I have learnt that this knowledge is easily lost and as such must be kept close and realised constantly, which is why I decided to write this post in the end (at the risk of sounding worryingly 'emo', particularly with the following poem).
For the one who found what I had lost:
I stand at the ocean's shore
Hands clasped by my side
Out here by the open water
There is no place to hide.
I mourn with every passing breath
For what we had and lost
And yet I know what I must do
It is a heavy cost.
My heart does cherish what you gave
It holds it close and dear,
I worry I will lose it
But I really shouldn't fear.
So while I weep and fill the sea
With my own shed salty tears,
I know what you found will still remain
Throughout the coming years.
Rest assured all is well, nothing bad or drastic has happened. As always, when I have a time of such reflection I become rather sombre and serious and, it may be said, sound a little dark. The universe has a strange way sometimes of teaching its lessons and Pan has a cruel sense of humour but what matters is I have learnt and grown and find myself standing proud as I wait for whatever it next sends my way.